Strange how my blog entries are always so mundane,
with melancholy and self-pity, like how everyone
terms my behaviour now.

It's true, I do feel helpless and I'm ignorant,
I'm so adamant to the point of a goner.
But how do I stop what I'm feeling now?

I wish that I could get out of this hell hole,
I find myself trying to wash away all my pain.
Give me a solution, a medication, a cure.
Drinking? Smoking? Slitting of wrist?
Committing suicide?

I've thought about all of these,
I really have.
I've did drinking, it doesn't help.
I've did smoking, it doesn't work.
I've tried slitting myself, no effect.
The only thing left is suicide.

I've always hear people say it's the most
foolish thing to do among all these.
But people who have did it,
all said it was a relief from all sorts of pain.
Especially, emotional ones.
If this could help, I'll gladly try it.

After all, everyone has to die one day isn't it?
Who am I trying to fool?
Only now I can clearly see, I'm not who I used to be.
I'm not the same Ja 5 years ago.
I've changed.

Even as I type, I don't feel my old self anymore.
I can't even comfort and convince myself that
all these pain will go away eventually.

How do I carry on?
With no friends, family almost giving up on me,
a lost love and a relationship at stake?
Tell me.

If my purpose here on earth was to make people happy,
I'll be glad to stay.
But now that all I'm giving to people is nothing,
but trouble, pain and hurt,
I'd rather not live.

It's dumb to die for love.

I'd die willingly if my time was up.
If I could turn back time,
I just wish I made the right choice every step of the way.

Now, all the wrong steps lead to this destination.
I either accept it or leave it.
Escaping form the problem isn't a solution,
but an option.

If I had other options,
I wish I had the chance to serve God right from the start.
Because other than him,
no one really saves me.
No one really cares and no one
really loves me.

I used to say how lucky I was all the time,
to have wonderful friends and a good family, but now, all I have are broken
hearts around me that don't feel for me anymore.

Stress,
confusion,
sorrows,
regrets
and lastly pain fills my entire life now.
I can never smile like I used to anymore.

* Fate was right, I took a wrong turn and land in misery.