I've decided to blog again after a very long time,
coz I can no longer suppress what I feel inside anymore.
Tons of things on my mind,
from my life to family,
to friends, to love and to
myself.
Negligence on all part.
I curse myself.
I moved out of my comfy home almost
a month already.
I've led a life of independence this whole time
without the protection of my parents.
to be honest, I wasn't very independent or should
I say it was nowhere near there.
I had jie to help me.
I had jac to support me.
I was caught up in a world of fantasy,
not wanting to face reality.
I love jac so much, I was willing to put down everything
just for her.
But now I see the greater light,
I never regretted loving her or doing all
those stupid, silly and irritating stuffs,
hoping that one day people would realize
that it was all in the name of love.
This relationship of mine with her has come to
a standstill.
It's time to let everything go.
As I type this, this sourness, this bitter
and yet killing feeling engulfs me.
I admit I'm very upset, I'm sad.
I'm lost and I've lost and I'm very hurt.
Thinking all these 9-years of mine,
nearly a decade of my life, waiting and loving her
would be sufficient to help her get through all
her obstacles and to prove my love to her is genuine.
It's all just a facade,
some things just never change ad they never will.
There have been countless times when I hope for
a miracle to happen. But it never did.
Sorry to the old ja,
you've lost everything to time,
to such selfish behavior of the new ja.
To the new ja,
face it.
All these 3 months of such unforgivable actions
and selfless conditional love to the one,
you're left with nothing.
I had a choice to choose between everything and jac.
But I stubbornly went head on heels to choose jac,
knowing nothing will come out of me and her.
Who is jac in the past?
Jac was my only love, the only one I want to love all my life.
Who is jac now?
She's just a phase in my life, just a passer-by.
The end of this entry also marks the end of
my relationship with her and any other connections
I have with her.
To jac -91-,
I tried all I could in this lifetime of mine
to make you happy, to be with you ad
watch over you.
But nothing seems enough or it never will be,
coz you've shut all doors to the possibilities of settling down
with any other girl, coz you once told me,
you had a wife, but you let her go and now you're just
a divorcee.
I could see it in your eyes,
sense it through your actions and
feel it through your heart that she's the only one.
The love of your life.
I have to know where I stand and admit,
I really envy her.
How she could do things to touch your heart
and how I could never enter that sacred place of yours.
It's not comparable,
a decade is nothing to a scientist,
what more to you.
It's just a time of waiting.
Painstakingly, I put on a front when I speak to you
or listen to you go on ad on about her,
about your feelings, love and commitment to this
special girl out there.
I don't wanna hide no more, nor run away from this.
I'm gonna face it.
What you've thrown back at me,
is no longer a whole heart,
it's shattered pieces of living emotions,
it's humiliation,
it's devastation.
Not once but twice, you made a promise to not hurt
me a second time, but you proudly did it again.
How foolish was I to have believed that you never will
coz you knew my pain.
I was wrong right from the start,
your words, your actions,
they were just obligations,
you were just sweet talking your way through.
I don't need any of these anymore.
i don't need your pity,
your selfish actions or
your sweet words.
Coz I'm numb to them already.
I'll pick myself up again.
The time has come for me to leave you and this time,
I'll no longer hesitate coz your heart has never been with me,
why keep the flesh when the soul's gone?
I don't wanna keep you any longer,
Im gonna let you go now.
Be happy and love yourself.
Hopefully, one day, she'll come back to you.
I give you my blessings and from the bottom of my heart,
good luck jac =)
If one day, our paths cross again,
I'm not gonna go back to you anymore,
I've turned back twice and got slammed twice,
I've learnt my lesson.
To the you I used to love so dearly,
goodbye and farewell.
This is the last song i'm gonna dedicate to you.
It clearly describes how I truly feel and the reason
for my departure.
I don't hate you.
I just don't wanna go through all these again.
I'm moving on.
= Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize - don't patronize me
CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight
CHORUS: Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't =
* This will be the final time, I'll cry for you. I'm really hurt this time.