What the hell are you doing?

I questioned myself,
the moment i set foot out of the office.

Pieces of me,
shattering bitterly inside.

A while ago, i spoke.
Words came out like daggers.
How we exchange them,
never thought of how it felt did we?

Probably you didn't have any response
or motion to how i was feeling.
You had simply no idea.

Conversations that end up
meaningless and ruthless.
why is there a need to continue?

In the train,
i stood in front of so many people,
with my ear plugs in,
i was consumed by the music.

My soul drifted,
the very presence of me was subtle,
i felt vulnerable,
i felt pathetic.

People looked just like mannequins standing,
with no life,
no desire,
no meaning.

It was all the same expression,
the thing we so often call emotions.

To emotions i always surrender,
to it my heart i gave.
In return,
i was blackmailed,
stolen.
The right to fight was all lost.
I was a victim.

I couldn't care less about anything,
not to mention if i felt anything.
The tears welled up in my eyes,
i ignored it.
But as hard as i try,
it was forcing itself out.
I don't want it to flow,
i don't want to be the weakling in your life.

I HATE to be like this.
I HATE myself for being this way.
I HATE myself for caring so much,
when all you could do was jab.

Stations pass,
just like time does.

I alighted and i felt,
like a shadow wondering around,
trying to find it's way back home.

With no directions or plans,
i just walked.
Walked and walked to ward off all these upset,
all these destruction it was doing to my very heart.
This bare heart and soul that was entrusted to you,
weren't you suppose to hold it gently in the palm of your hands?

I told myself and i questioned myself, not god.
What was this that i was doing to myself?
where did all the optimism go to?
Don't i deserve something better?
What was this emotion that was completely
absorbing my energy?

TELL ME!

I can't.
No answers.

That's the whole problem.
I have questions i can't answer.
And this is something no one will be able to help.

It's not that easy, to always put a smile on my face,
just so that my pain can be hidden.

It's all messed,
i just need a shoulder to lie on,
to cry my WHOLE DAMN HEART out.

LISTEN. LISTEN. Can you hear? I'm drowning mother earth with my tears.

* The pain runs deep.